This is going to be an ongoing topic on the blog because it’s the most talked about aspect of any STD. People want to know how their relationships will change once they get an STD and they really want to know how their sex lives will change, too. There are hoards of questions that can be asked about sex with herpes.
In what ways will my sex life change? How do I have sex with herpes? Who will want to have sex with me if I have herpes? Do I have to tell everyone I sleep with that I have an STD? What if it’s a one night stand? What if they don’t ask me about it? Should you have sex if you’re having an outbreak? How safe is sex with herpes in general?
Though most of these questions will be covered in further posts I felt like now wouldn’t be a bad time to at least cover one of these questions after a reader asked a general question about this. I’ll make this a regular series to cover the rest of the questions and any that come up in the future, too! So if you have a question you want covered you can either go to the section in the Menu at the top of this page titled “Have a Question?” or you can shoot me a private message at: evelynn(at)gmail(dot)com and I’ll get back to you quickly.
I had an active sex life for four years before I got herpes. I had gotten other STDs throughout that time but nothing incurable (i.e. chlamydia.). STDs weren’t even on my mind when I slept with someone, safe sex or not. Sex was on my mind. Which leads me to the first question:
Do I have to tell everyone that I sleep with that I have an STD?
When I got herpes I was still in a relationship with the man that gave it to me (that’s another story). So my sex life wasn’t much different until we broke up; I was about twenty/twenty one when that happened. From the beginning I noticed things were going to be way different. All the times I’d go out and meet a man without thinking twice about sleeping with him because I “didn’t have anything” were basically over. Dating suddenly had less to do with getting to know the person and more to do with counting down in my head how much longer I could wait before I had to tell him. The guilt you feel if you sleep with someone and lie or ‘fail to mention’ to them that you have herpes, or any STD, sticks with you. I know this from experience. And not telling them is just as bad as lying, so if you didn’t mention it to them because they didn’t ask you, you’re still doing something wrong.
There were a few times I was convinced the person I was sleeping with may have also had an STD, or I didn’t feel attached to them to care enough about their wellbeing to tell them. Whatever the reasoning is in your head or however you justify it, you should still get that gut feeling that you need to mention it. In my personal opinion, for whatever that matters, I’ve never regretted telling someone no matter how good or badly they took the news; but I have always regretted the times I didn’t tell someone. I figure that alone tells me what’s best to do.
I will be sharing with you the times I have slept with someone and not told them in the past, in upcoming posts. This isn’t something I condone nor a time of my life I am proud of. But as I always like to think, if we said lying wasn’t an option we’d all be lying. Far less of us would have STDs if more people spoke up about having them. I think it’s important to be honest about every aspect of this, so I don’t judge nor seek judgment for mistakes made along the way. Instead, I hope they show everyone another side to why we lie about this, or how we get ourselves into situations that make us too uncomfortable to tell the truth. I do recommend telling everyone before you become intimate or have sex with them that you have an STD, though. It’s difficult and sometimes feels impossible to say but you’ll always feel better than if you never mentioned it at all.